#testingbutchface (reviews)

bring your money, leave your self-restraint

EDITED 15th May to put back the formatting, cheers WordPress, appreciate it.

Living in the UK isn’t a utopia, you know. Sure, we have the National Health Service, which provides free medical care to anyone regardless of income. Yeah, we gave the world a couple of cool people like Shakespeare and this Northern band called the Beatles. Oh, true, while we may not all love our robotic overlord Prime Minster, we aren’t run by a terrifying screaming Cheeto who thought the Handmaid’s Tale was full of great, really good, superb ideas.

flags

But really, it’s hard sometimes. For example, when I want to spend my money on frivolous gloop to smear on my face skin, I… I… I sometimes have to get on a bus.

Sometimes I have to change buses.

virgin

The struggle is real, fam.

Continue reading “bring your money, leave your self-restraint”

#testingbutchface (reviews)

how i hair (part one)

Let me tell you. If I ever hear the phrase, “your hair is so short, it must be so easy to style!!!11” ONE MORE TIME… innocent people will suffer.

No, my hair is not fucking easy to style.

Do you think anything about this (points dramatically to self) is easy?? HAHAHAH. 

But! I love my hair so much. When it’s good, it’s. So. Fucking. Good. I used to have long hair up until 2-3 years ago (story behind that another time!) and I looked like a middle aged geography substitute teacher. Hey kids, wanna buy some drugs?

So I don’t mind working at it. Cos when it’s good, freshly cut and kinda quiffy I feel like a boss. 

Example of good hair

Example of bad hair and also bad brows, fixed now!

How do I achieve this apparently effortless mess? Let me tell you.

1. Getting it cut all. The. Fucking. Time. Luckily my best friend, the Magnificent Femme manages most of my life, including making my hair appointments and also ensuring I arrive more or less on time. I am so pathetically grateful for this, you have no idea.

2. Get a really fucking good barber. I’ve just moved to Cut Throat London and they are the boss. I have no worries that I’ll walk out with something dreadful like a… pixie cut (shudder).

3. Get used to using a lot of product. Get used to buying shit and it not working and you screaming into your fist in the bathroom. And once you find your products, lock that shit down. Do not mess with a good line up. Speaking of…

Don’t be silly, I don’t use all these at once! Haha. Silly. Just four at a time. Ahem. Yeah, I do have back pain. 

Next I’ll take you through the line up and why I’ll never change of any of these products. 

Stay swaggy.

mental health

cure depression by washing your fucking face

Ahaha.

I jest.

But really, is that such an outlandish statement? In a world where green juice and yoga are touted as a miracle cure for everything from cancer to OCD?

(Side note – a wise owl once said to me that “unasked for advice is criticism in disguise”. My ma once said, “tell them to get tae fuck”. Stop with the home remedies people, JFC. Show me a peer-reviewed, replicable scientific study or get out)

So here we are. In a shock to nobody, I have depression, as well as an exciting array of other quirks, brain fuck ups and just weird shit.

Plus, I’m uh, “between opportunities” at the moment and for someone who has based their entire image and self worth on work, that’s fucking hard man.

So hard that sometimes I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t mean having a lazy sleep, I mean, if the house was on fire I’d shrug. Typical. Fire now? Sigh. I’ll sort that… tomorrow.

I think the cruellest thing about depression is how it sucks the joy out of things that you love. Hobbies? I guess blinking is a hobby, right? 

I love skincare and I love talking about it. But at the moment it feels like I’m carrying the world between my shoulder blades and I can’t stop for a minute or else… something something.

Yeah, I fucking know, Mr Williams. But the day has seized me, chewed me up and spat me out. (Also you are an angel and I love you and always will)

So. We are where we are. And I have had to reassess my expectations. I’m not going to save the world today and that’s FINE (it isn’t). If all I can do in a day is wash my face, that’s enough. For now.

Except! Something happened when I made that sad little commitment to myself. If I washed my face I might as well get in the shower to clean it off. If I’m in the shower I might as well wash my hair. If I’m washing my hair I might as well wash my body and brush my teeth and now I have to moisturise and then and then.

It sounds crazy but hi, welcome to my head. Washing my face is a reminder that I am worth taking care of. If we strip all the reviews, all the HG gloating, all the haul posts away, isn’t what this is about?

You, and I, are worth taking care of. If you can’t take care of yourself, ask someone else to help. Your brain might lie and say people are awful and cruel, but unless you’re in high school, that is a lie. People are kind and need to help others. Ask for what you need and if the people around you can’t give it, find people who can. Find the other weird glow worms. And don’t give up. Don’t give up washing your face. It’s a moment in each day you can touch your face with love and kindness. The way we all should be touched.

I’ll finish up now with more wise words from the late, great genius, Mr Robin Williams. The man who taught me to be funny.

(Dicks are fucking hilarious)

(PS, go wash your face. It’ll be okay I promise)


me me me me me

resting butch face donates

UPDATE – super happy that the wonderful Trussell Trust made some space for me and I was able to drop off to my local food bank.  

Hey guys, so I used to collect toiletries for a women’s charity in London, to help women and children fleeing violence.

Sadly the charity closed and I still have a lot of leftover donations. Includes soaps, shampoos, razors, lotions, sanitary products, toothbrushes, toothpaste etc etc…

Please drop me a comment if you know a London charity (please note the use of the word charity) who would accept them. I tried all the local women’s shelters yesterday and no luck. 

Thank you!

#testingbutchface (reviews)

wash your dirty fucking face

You know when a picture speaks a thousand words? Well, this is what I want to show people when they tell me double cleansing is overkill or, “micellar water is as good as anything else!”.

The left hand cotton pad was used to clean the left side of my face after a typical London day. I used micellar water.

The right hand pad is the same face, same day, but with Banila Co Clean It Zero balm and a foaming cleanser.

I don’t wear make up.

I hadn’t been running.

Just a normal day around London.

satire

your vagina is fine

Christ, that headline makes me sad. The article is slightly better, although describing sheet masks as a recent invention is, uh, nah.

I liked the final line, a quote from a dermatologist.

“There’s no need to go overboard”

Dude. We have already gone overboard. We’ve jumped ship, given our raft to some rich bitch and we. are. drowning.

This week I have seen multiple “whitening” products for “intimate areas” on major kbeauty sites. You know, for when your gross vagina is super super gross. I am not linking to them. 

Basically, we have run out of places on the female body we can a) shame them about and b) sell them shit.

I GUARANTEE your vagina is A Okay. Better than, even. See a doctor if you’re worried and lucky enough to have access to healthcare (enjoy it while you can Americans).

And just. Stop. Stop hating on yourself. Nobody ever fucking whitened their vagina out of self love.

If you’d believe a group of random marketing wankers, tossing out ideas to sell bullshit products… Then why not trust me? I won’t even charge you.

me me me me me · queer

let’s fucking do it – all right all right

As a person with a brain and eyes and an internet connection, I am a huge fan of Tracy from www.fanserviced-b.com. Even though we have utterly different skin types, I read her blog religiously. I may also make notes. Maybe. If that’s not weird.

ANYWAY.

Tracy recently wrote a post called Why I Think You Should Start A Korean Beauty Blog. Read it, dudes, it’s a fucking delight.

Starting this blog has been something I’ve talked about for months but never actually pushed the button. But now Tracy gave me tacit approval, well. Here I am.

I really love skincare. I really hate the beauty industry. Or rather, the beauty industry hates me. Either explicitly or implicitly, the message is, this is not for you. This is for real girls.

I can’t think why.

But, you know what? Fuck the beauty industry. Fuck the counter assistants who openly laugh at me, or on one memorable occasion, refer to me as “it”. As in, turning to her coworker, smirking and saying just loudly enough for me to hear, “I doubt it’s going to buy anything, watch it”.

Even online, beauty communities talk about their totes  adorbs boyfies in sheet masks, or scream, “my eyebrows make me look like a MAN!”.

The assumption is, if you’re here you want to look pretty, young and fuckable. Here are the products you can buy to make that happen!

Fuck

That

Noise

This is possibly a terrible error. But if you’re smirking, this isn’t for you. It’s for anyone who has ever felt excluded by the “beauty industry”. It’s for the young gay boy who wants to feel pretty. The trans woman who is terrified about going for a facial. The gender non conforming person who just wants nicer skin, godfuckingdamit.

Or if you’re as straight as a ruler but fed up of the unfair standards expected of women (and increasingly men) by an industry that treats aging as an offence against nature, come the fuck in and sit down. Bar is open, first round is on you.

So thanks Tracy. This is all your fault.