As a human person, I sadly only have one face. There are so many products out there that don’t suit me but I still want to play with them.
Luckily, I know a lot of super smart and fucking sexy people. I am also sly enough to remember their secrets and threaten to release them to the world if they don’t write for me.
The Magnificent Femme
I’m telling you, what this bitch doesn’t know about skincare and make up isn’t worth knowing. The Magnificent Femme was a professional make up artist, ran beauty counters in some of the most famous department stores in the world and on top of that, is now a professional writer herself. I know, right? But I’m sure she would agree that her biggest achievement in life is being my best friend.
Age – timelessly elegent (late 30’s)
Skin type – was oily before the miracle of Rocaccutane, now dry/dehydrated.
Style – leopard print, eye liner, flawless nails, legs for miles. Part Pat Butcher, part Amy Winehouse, part Marlene Dietrich, all femme, all the fucking time.
Reviews – make up, skin care, nail varnish
How my mother would describe her – “all fur coat and no knickers”
The Brat Princess of Chaos
Age – practically newborn (early 20s)
Skin type – she still practically has afterbirth on her. Dehydrated, oily. Just starting to build a routine.
Style – adorable. Just, put her in your pocket and try not to squeeze her until her eyes pop out.
Reviews – skincare, make up
How my mother would describe her – “oh, what a bonny wee bairn!”
The Evil Twin
Someone once tried to insult me by saying that if I didn’t grow up, I’d turn into him. This thrilled me beyond all measure. Likes – drinking, ladies, perfecting his cheeky smile. The most vain of all of us. Smells delicious, constantly, a heady mix of Channel Blu, regret and Jagermeister.
Age – late 30s
Skin type – “fucking flawless darlin”
Reviews – “any free shit”
What my mother would say about him – “sometimes the squeaky wheel needs a bloody good smack”.