mental health · satire

depression beauty tutorial

Hi guys! Come on in, today we are going to do a depression beauty tutorial! And uh, can you close the blinds please? And maybe like, stop smiling because I can see your teeth and that is reminding me that there is a skeleton inside all of us, which reminds me that we are all going to die. Thanks!

So the first step of our tutorial is to make sure you’re alone. If there are people around who “love you” (as if that’s possible) they might ask unhelpful questions like, what the fuck are you doing or maybe you’d feel better if you went outside, yes? Urgh, haters!

try hiding!

The best thing about this routine is that it is so versitile. You can do it anywhere, like your bed, or the bathroom floor, or even sitting in the bottom of your shower.

its like a spa!

Okay, so let’s prep your face. Smush all your hair out of the way as best you can. Think about the can of dry shampoo in the other room. Remember that the other room is, well, the other room. Forget about the dry shampoo.

Mist your face with your favourite spritzer. I recommend the half empty glass of water next to your bed. Or if you’re in the bathroom, just wipe your face with that damp towel you left on the floor some time ago. See how easy this is?

make sure you have lots of half full glasses to choose from!

Dry your face on the shirt you slept in. Or, use that towel again! I love multi use products, don’t you? 

pretend it’s a friend and then violently reject it

The next step really depends on your budget and commitment levels. Dental care is super important, you guys! You can brush your teeth the regular (boring) way, but why not save time and just rub some toothpaste around your mouth with your finger? Tip! Try not to think about death. If you haven’t splurged on toothpaste, gum is affordable and can usually be found in the bottom of your backpack. 

Time to tone! Here’s my secret product for toning and hydrating your skin. Tears. Hot, wet, salty, lonely tears. Make sure you pat them in. DO NOT RUB, JESUS, ARE YOU AN ANIMAL?

Note – if your meds have run out, this is a great time to try the famous 7 Skin method. Just have a really good think about how alone you are and how you wish you could just unzip your skin and walk away. Voila!

every. fucking. month

If you’re feeling tired, now is a good time to nap. I recommend sixteen to twenty hours. You can multitask by pulling the cleanest part of your bed sheet over your face. Your tears will cling to the sheet, creating your own personalised sheet mask for long lasting hydration.

As all us beauty gurus know, the last and most important step in a routine is SPF. HAHAHA. Only joking! You’re not going outside, or within six feet of a window. Do something fun with that time you saved, like read concerned texts from your friends and family. Don’t reply though. They’ll only text back. Total haters!

Thanks for joining me for this depression beauty tutorial! I hope it was helpful.

Now please leave. I have a wall to stare at and I’m way behind.

my actual staring wall!

(Disclaimer – this. is. a. joke. Mental illness is serious, deadly and frankly, deserves to be mocked. People with a mental illness do not ever ever ever deserve to be mocked. See the distinction? Oh and also that’s not my actual meds. I’m not putting that online, thanks #boundaries)


we have gone very wrong 

Ladies, please don’t get your nipples out at the beauty counter. It can’t end well. We know this, right? Like the song goes…

If you had
One shot
Or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted
In one moment
Would you capture it
Or just let it slip?

Her pores are sweaty, genes weak, concealer heavy,
There’s blackheads on her forehead, bangs are messy,
She’s nervous, but on the surface she looks calm and ready
Steps to the counter, but she keeps on forgettin’
The shades she wrote down, the lifestyle brands allowed,
She opens her mouth, but the names just won’t come out
She’s chokin’, foundation slippin’ down her brow,

So many shades, liner too, need a colour match, now!


Yeah it’s real heavy, it’s a thing called gravity,

Oh, there goes security, she hoped so bad,

But she won’t give up that easy


She won’t have it, she knows the whole lip secret’s dope,

It don’t matter, it’s cold, she knows that and she’s freezing…


PS. Writing white girl rap parodies is shameful, but just spare a thought for that poor bastard PR person who probably worked super hard in college but then had to write a press release about lip shades and nipples. The real hero of this story.


your vagina is fine

Christ, that headline makes me sad. The article is slightly better, although describing sheet masks as a recent invention is, uh, nah.

I liked the final line, a quote from a dermatologist.

“There’s no need to go overboard”

Dude. We have already gone overboard. We’ve jumped ship, given our raft to some rich bitch and we. are. drowning.

This week I have seen multiple “whitening” products for “intimate areas” on major kbeauty sites. You know, for when your gross vagina is super super gross. I am not linking to them. 

Basically, we have run out of places on the female body we can a) shame them about and b) sell them shit.

I GUARANTEE your vagina is A Okay. Better than, even. See a doctor if you’re worried and lucky enough to have access to healthcare (enjoy it while you can Americans).

And just. Stop. Stop hating on yourself. Nobody ever fucking whitened their vagina out of self love.

If you’d believe a group of random marketing wankers, tossing out ideas to sell bullshit products… Then why not trust me? I won’t even charge you.