Breaking news. It’s moose counting season again. And also, your roving reporter at the award winning Daily Whogivesafuck brings you worrying news.
*shuffles papers sternly*
I have checked and rechecked the measurements and… god, this is hard, but… data doesn’t lie. We are fast approaching maximum bullshit levels. Don’t believe me? Check out the evidence.
Please, don’t panic. Perhaps it’s not too late. If Jake Gyllenhaal can survive an Ice Age by burning a couple of paperbacks, we too can avert our very own Shitocalypse.
I was disappointed to read an Instagram post by one of the people I most look forward to hearing from. I did DM and ask if I could reference them here but I didn’t hear back so, welcome to VagueTown. This person is smart and funny and does excellent no bullshit reviews. Plus they are super cute.
This person, let’s call them… Cute Face. Cute Face posted asking, much more politely than I would, for people to stop messaging them to tell them they aren’t Doing Skincare Right. Apparently Cute Face doesn’t understand anything. How lucky for Cute Face that people will take time out of their day, to tell a STRANGER that they are the experts in Cute Face’s skin.
I have a terrible habit of remembering quotations but not the person who said it and one day someone is going to be like, “… like Hitler said?” and I am going to die. But I am 99.99% sure Hitler didn’t say this.
UNASKED FOR ADVICE IS CRITICISM IN DISGUISE
I keep seeing this. The ten rules of skincare. One essential rule you HAVE to follow. The eleventy million step routine that if you don’t follow, well, I can’t help you.
Dudes. I am human garbage. I just ate a jar of capers for dinner. My phone rang yesterday and I was so startled I shoved it in a drawer until it stopped. I genuinely do not know how humans interact. I wish everyone as a dog. Or subtitled.
So why the fuckity fuck am I, human garbage, having to get drunk and remind people HOW TO BE NICE.
Look, I made a diagram.
The great thing about this diagram is that it also applies to:
🖕hair and make up
🖕job seeking (PLEASE STOP TELLING ME TO TAKE A TYPING COURSE)
🖕sexual partners, or lack of, or whatever
🖕anything someone chooses to do with their genitals (unless they are a stranger sat next to you on the bus, unzipped and ready for action)
This post is called the joy of getting it wrong for a reason. Because the fuck ups are important. Hey, I burnt my face off with acids! Do I regret it? Little bit, yeah. Is it a funny story? Fuck, yes. But also – and this is the mind fuck – THERE IS NO WRONG OR RIGHT.
There are no rules. There are no guarantees. And isn’t that the fun bit? Let people do it “wrong”. You don’t have the answers. Let people get their own answers.
Just, dudes. Be nice. Be kind. And keep your mouth flaps shut unless asked to flap them.
It is so important to keep your stash organised. However, don’t make the mistake of thinking that you can file them by name or height or anything ridiculous. Pros know to organise their sheet masks by type. Please see below for a primer. You’re welcome.
The Free Shippers
You had to buy something to sneak over the minimim spend because it is 2017 and the idea of *paying* for shipping is offensive. Amazon Prime is to blame for this culture of entitlement.
Problem is, these sheet masks linger and breed. Every time you see them you mutter, “I have to use this…” and then pass right over.
One day, you snap and slap one on your face. It’s… okay. You calculate how much money you’ve spent on “okay” masks and realise that this is why you eat instant ramen for dinner three nights a week. Luckily, the guilt lingers about as long as the mask does and fifteen minutes you’ve forgotten all about it.
Your discontinued holy grails. You know using this mask would be amazing but you can’t find any more. So you save it for a special occasion. Except you work in an office and your Oscars invite never quite arrives. You hoard your precious specials away, waiting, waiting for that once in a life time occasion.
Newsflash. That occasion will be your funeral because there is no day special enough in your eyes. In a year you’ll realise with horror that the masks expired. It doesn’t matter. You were never going to use them.
The Old Reliables
Like your ex, these masks are cheap, deliver what you need and you can always get another.
But, just like your ex, they can get old, fast. They’re just not very exciting. You can’t post on IG about them because everyone and their boyfie has posted a selfie. You feel guilty for thinking about selfies when you’re choosing a mask and promise that you’ll use it next time. They’re good! They work! But, where is the element of surprise? You just need something… exciting.
This line of thinking is why you have forty nine My Beauty Diary masks in your stash. Also, it’s why you broke up with your ex and shagged that bartender with the tongue piercing. And we all know how well that turned out. It’s lonely at night sometimes.
You bought this for the packaging, you shallow trollop. It’s at the front of every stash picture you post on IG. Sometimes you hold it and think about the sort of person you’d be if you used it. Then you put it back and eat Pringles for breakfast. You’ll use it. One day. When you’re better.
The Grave Mistakes
Some people call it optimism. Others call it rampant stupidity. You know that bubble masks make your skin crawl. Or maybe, you know you’re allergic to mineral oil. YOU KNOW THIS.
But maybe not this time?
Good god, even dogs learn eventually.
These masks were usually bought because everyone else on IG bought them. They’re so cool. God, why can’t you be cool like that? How do they make it so easy? Maybe this mask will help. Best buy a pack of five to cement your cool kid status.
Spoiler alert! This mask will not make you cool, it will make you itchy and sad. You can feel itchy and sad for free. Don’t do it.
Grave Mistakes also include – anything bought drunk, anything bought in person because it was there and anything from your local drugstore labelled “inspired by kbeauty”.
The Fan Favourites
Remember what your ma used to say? If the big kids jumped off a bridge, would you follow them? No, Ma, god, leave me alone, I never asked to be born! *door slams*
Your ma was right about a lot of things. You wouldn’t jump off a bridge cos the big kids did it, don’t be silly. However, if the big kids jumped off a bridge wearing a sheet mask and hashtagged it #holygrail, you would be looking up directions to the nearest bridge on gmaps in three seconds.
If you like it, so what, so does everyone else. If you hate it, be prepared to get downvoted to hell because you Do Not Criticise The Fan Favourite. God, do you even go here?
Fan Favourites often crossover with the Grave Mistakes and both lead to a feeling of disappointment and mild self loathing. However Fan Favourites are worse because you’re just so disappointed. Is everything a lie?
The What The Fucks
We are an odd bunch in the AB world. Potato sheet masks? Fuck yeah. Snail? Old news. Placenta? Sooo last year. We will literally put anything on our faces. Ingredient sluts seek out the new snail/placenta/horse oil deliberately. And loudly. We’ve all seen the posts.
“OMG dog spit is the new must have sheet mask essence!”
“WOW SO GLAD I GAVE THIS RANCID MAYONNAISE MASK A TRY”
“I’m only using organic wasp jizz sheet masks from now on #holygrail”
“sheet masks are over, I only use actual skin now #hannibalhydration”
Bonus points if the sheet mask is entirely in another language and Google Translate doesn’t recognise any of the words. Extra bonus points if you can only buy them from one seller, who doesn’t speak any major world language and doesn’t have an actual store, just an email address.
Dudes. Just buy some drugs. Guaranteed excitement. Plus you won’t care what your face is like because it’ll occur to you that your face… is what stops… your head stuff falling out… oh my god… we are all just weird skin bags stuffed with goo.
(I am out of What The Fucks! Recs please)
You don’t remember buying it. You don’t remember adding it at the back of your stash. The name is… kind of familiar but you can’t quite place it. It’s a mystery.
You see the empty packet in the trashcan. You don’t remember using it. Your touch your cheek. It’s damp. You can smell something in the air, but as soon as you try to identify it, it’s gone.
Where did you come from? you whisper into the trashcan. Do you have a message for me?
The empty packet lies, silent and crumpled. Aloof, secretive, the packet cannot tell you – because it’s a plastic envelope you weirdo. Stop talking to bins.
Hi guys! Come on in, today we are going to do a depression beauty tutorial! And uh, can you close the blinds please? And maybe like, stop smiling because I can see your teeth and that is reminding me that there is a skeleton inside all of us, which reminds me that we are all going to die. Thanks!
So the first step of our tutorial is to make sure you’re alone. If there are people around who “love you” (as if that’s possible) they might ask unhelpful questions like, what the fuck are you doing or maybe you’d feel better if you went outside, yes? Urgh, haters!
The best thing about this routine is that it is so versitile. You can do it anywhere, like your bed, or the bathroom floor, or even sitting in the bottom of your shower.
Okay, so let’s prep your face. Smush all your hair out of the way as best you can. Think about the can of dry shampoo in the other room. Remember that the other room is, well, the other room. Forget about the dry shampoo.
Mist your face with your favourite spritzer. I recommend the half empty glass of water next to your bed. Or if you’re in the bathroom, just wipe your face with that damp towel you left on the floor some time ago. See how easy this is?
Dry your face on the shirt you slept in. Or, use that towel again! I love multi use products, don’t you?
The next step really depends on your budget and commitment levels. Dental care is super important, you guys! You can brush your teeth the regular (boring) way, but why not save time and just rub some toothpaste around your mouth with your finger? Tip! Try not to think about death. If you haven’t splurged on toothpaste, gum is affordable and can usually be found in the bottom of your backpack.
Time to tone! Here’s my secret product for toning and hydrating your skin. Tears. Hot, wet, salty, lonely tears. Make sure you pat them in. DO NOT RUB, JESUS, ARE YOU AN ANIMAL?
Note – if your meds have run out, this is a great time to try the famous 7 Skin method. Just have a really good think about how alone you are and how you wish you could just unzip your skin and walk away. Voila!
If you’re feeling tired, now is a good time to nap. I recommend sixteen to twenty hours. You can multitask by pulling the cleanest part of your bed sheet over your face. Your tears will cling to the sheet, creating your own personalised sheet mask for long lasting hydration.
As all us beauty gurus know, the last and most important step in a routine is SPF. HAHAHA. Only joking! You’re not going outside, or within six feet of a window. Do something fun with that time you saved, like read concerned texts from your friends and family. Don’t reply though. They’ll only text back. Total haters!
Thanks for joining me for this depression beauty tutorial! I hope it was helpful.
Now please leave. I have a wall to stare at and I’m way behind.
(Disclaimer – this. is. a. joke. Mental illness is serious, deadly and frankly, deserves to be mocked. People with a mental illness do not ever ever ever deserve to be mocked. See the distinction? Oh and also that’s not my actual meds. I’m not putting that online, thanks #boundaries)
Ladies, please don’t get your nipples out at the beauty counter. It can’t end well. We know this, right? Like the song goes…
Look If you had One shot Or one opportunity To seize everything you ever wanted In one moment Would you capture it Or just let it slip?
Yo Her pores are sweaty, genes weak, concealer heavy, There’s blackheads on her forehead, bangs are messy, She’s nervous, but on the surface she looks calm and ready Steps to the counter, but she keeps on forgettin’ The shades she wrote down, the lifestyle brands allowed, She opens her mouth, but the names just won’t come out She’s chokin’, foundation slippin’ down her brow,
So many shades, liner too, need a colour match, now!
[*SMACKS TIT ON COUNTER*]
Yeah it’s real heavy, it’s a thing called gravity,
Oh, there goes security, she hoped so bad,
But she won’t give up that easy
She won’t have it, she knows the whole lip secret’s dope,
It don’t matter, it’s cold, she knows that and she’s freezing…
WE HAVE GONE INSANE, ABANDON THE WORLD TO THE TREES
PS. Writing white girl rap parodies is shameful, but just spare a thought for that poor bastard PR person who probably worked super hard in college but then had to write a press release about lip shades and nipples. The real hero of this story.