I’m torn on the concept of subscription boxes. On one hand, presents for me? Fuck yeah! On the other, how much gold to shit ratio are we talking? And why does every subscription box come with a generic black mascara and a fruit scented handcream?
However, I am totally in love with the Latest In Beauty subscription box. I pick the Beauty Guru monthly box, mainly because the idea of me being in any way referred to as a Beauty Guru makes me smirk. It’s £18.00 for nine products and the best thing is that you pick the products! You could have, like, nine generic black mascaras if you wanted! Continue reading “latest in beauty review”
Hi guys! Come on in, today we are going to do a depression beauty tutorial! And uh, can you close the blinds please? And maybe like, stop smiling because I can see your teeth and that is reminding me that there is a skeleton inside all of us, which reminds me that we are all going to die. Thanks!
So the first step of our tutorial is to make sure you’re alone. If there are people around who “love you” (as if that’s possible) they might ask unhelpful questions like, what the fuck are you doing or maybe you’d feel better if you went outside, yes? Urgh, haters!
The best thing about this routine is that it is so versitile. You can do it anywhere, like your bed, or the bathroom floor, or even sitting in the bottom of your shower.
Okay, so let’s prep your face. Smush all your hair out of the way as best you can. Think about the can of dry shampoo in the other room. Remember that the other room is, well, the other room. Forget about the dry shampoo.
Mist your face with your favourite spritzer. I recommend the half empty glass of water next to your bed. Or if you’re in the bathroom, just wipe your face with that damp towel you left on the floor some time ago. See how easy this is?
Dry your face on the shirt you slept in. Or, use that towel again! I love multi use products, don’t you?
The next step really depends on your budget and commitment levels. Dental care is super important, you guys! You can brush your teeth the regular (boring) way, but why not save time and just rub some toothpaste around your mouth with your finger? Tip! Try not to think about death. If you haven’t splurged on toothpaste, gum is affordable and can usually be found in the bottom of your backpack.
Time to tone! Here’s my secret product for toning and hydrating your skin. Tears. Hot, wet, salty, lonely tears. Make sure you pat them in. DO NOT RUB, JESUS, ARE YOU AN ANIMAL?
Note – if your meds have run out, this is a great time to try the famous 7 Skin method. Just have a really good think about how alone you are and how you wish you could just unzip your skin and walk away. Voila!
If you’re feeling tired, now is a good time to nap. I recommend sixteen to twenty hours. You can multitask by pulling the cleanest part of your bed sheet over your face. Your tears will cling to the sheet, creating your own personalised sheet mask for long lasting hydration.
As all us beauty gurus know, the last and most important step in a routine is SPF. HAHAHA. Only joking! You’re not going outside, or within six feet of a window. Do something fun with that time you saved, like read concerned texts from your friends and family. Don’t reply though. They’ll only text back. Total haters!
Thanks for joining me for this depression beauty tutorial! I hope it was helpful.
Now please leave. I have a wall to stare at and I’m way behind.
(Disclaimer – this. is. a. joke. Mental illness is serious, deadly and frankly, deserves to be mocked. People with a mental illness do not ever ever ever deserve to be mocked. See the distinction? Oh and also that’s not my actual meds. I’m not putting that online, thanks #boundaries)
A quick round up of products I finished in April 2017! Clockwise from the top… Skin Food rice mask – oh, so basic. Physical exfoliants, how very 1995. *rolls eyes* But I liked it a lot!
Repurchase? Fuck yeah
Sephora Supreme Cleansing Oil – FINALLY. IT’S OVER. I bought this during a trip to Paris, in a frenzy of excitement. It doesn’t emulsify, it stings and it made my face sad. I used it in the shower on my magnificent body and it is finally finished.
Repurchase? I’m dumb, I’m not that dumb. Naw.
Banila Clean It Zero, Biore 2015 sunscreen, Cosrx Hyaluronic Acid Intensive Cream – omg such rare and undervalued products! But I love them.
Repurchase – yas queen.
Sunday Riley Good Genes – I bought a sample of this because it’s so so spendy. And I’m glad I did because this fucker tore my face to shreds. Also, it smells like the underside of an eleven year old boy’s watch, or the butt of a nurse after a double shift in the emergency unit. I actually woke up in the night wondering if Death had come for me because the stench was so bad. Very bad no good (for me).
Repurchase – there are cheaper ways to self harm
Liz Earle exfoliator – yeah, I was trying to get through some old products. It’s fine. *shrug*
Repurchase – tbh, I’m not even sure I bought this. Where did it come from? Did Liz sneak it in herself?
Peter Thomas Roth masks – oh my god, I have such a love for PTR. This month I finally used up the three Sephora minis. In order of adoration, from restraining order to mere obsession – rose stem cell bio repair mask, pumpkin enzyme mask, cucumber mask. The rose one is what I used to repair my screaming face after the Sunday Riley fiasco.
Repurchase? Sure. When I’m a millionaire. *cries quietly*
Oskia Radiance mask – dudes. This smells like Turkish Delight, no joke. It’s creamy and buttery and plumping and yes, I’d drink it in a smoothie.
Repurchase – fucking A yeah
Cosrx 96% snail mucin – another rare product, worthy of a 4,000 word review. Or, not. But yeah, this is one of the products I’d stockpile in case of a nuclear attack. Pretty sure it would sort my radiation burns no problem.
Repurchase – duh
L’Oreal Pure Clay Glow Mask – usually L’Oreal makes me roll my eyes but this actually delivers. Hypothetically, if I’d spent the night before drinking tequila in a bar and woken up in a stranger’s garden (not a euphemism), this would make me look like a human being instead of a pathetic waste of skin. But that’s hypothetical.
Repurchase? Yes and I’m not even ashamed. Well, I’m ashamed about the garden incident. Well, I’m not really. I should be. Anyway. Moving on!
Ladies, please don’t get your nipples out at the beauty counter. It can’t end well. We know this, right? Like the song goes…
Look If you had One shot Or one opportunity To seize everything you ever wanted In one moment Would you capture it Or just let it slip?
Yo Her pores are sweaty, genes weak, concealer heavy, There’s blackheads on her forehead, bangs are messy, She’s nervous, but on the surface she looks calm and ready Steps to the counter, but she keeps on forgettin’ The shades she wrote down, the lifestyle brands allowed, She opens her mouth, but the names just won’t come out She’s chokin’, foundation slippin’ down her brow,
So many shades, liner too, need a colour match, now!
[*SMACKS TIT ON COUNTER*]
Yeah it’s real heavy, it’s a thing called gravity,
Oh, there goes security, she hoped so bad,
But she won’t give up that easy
She won’t have it, she knows the whole lip secret’s dope,
It don’t matter, it’s cold, she knows that and she’s freezing…
WE HAVE GONE INSANE, ABANDON THE WORLD TO THE TREES
PS. Writing white girl rap parodies is shameful, but just spare a thought for that poor bastard PR person who probably worked super hard in college but then had to write a press release about lip shades and nipples. The real hero of this story.
EDITED 15th May to put back the formatting, cheers WordPress, appreciate it.
Living in the UK isn’t a utopia, you know. Sure, we have the National Health Service, which provides free medical care to anyone regardless of income. Yeah, we gave the world a couple of cool people like Shakespeare and this Northern band called the Beatles. Oh, true, while we may not all love our robotic overlord Prime Minster, we aren’t run by a terrifying screaming Cheeto who thought the Handmaid’s Tale was full of great, really good, superb ideas.
But really, it’s hard sometimes. For example, when I want to spend my money on frivolous gloop to smear on my face skin, I… I… I sometimes have to get on a bus.
Let me tell you. If I ever hear the phrase, “your hair is so short, it must be so easy to style!!!11” ONE MORE TIME… innocent people will suffer.
No, my hair is not fucking easy to style.
Do you think anything about this (points dramatically to self) is easy?? HAHAHAH.
But! I love my hair so much. When it’s good, it’s. So. Fucking. Good. I used to have long hair up until 2-3 years ago (story behind that another time!) and I looked like a middle aged geography substitute teacher. Hey kids, wanna buy some drugs?
So I don’t mind working at it. Cos when it’s good, freshly cut and kinda quiffy I feel like a boss.
Example of good hair
Example of bad hair and also bad brows, fixed now!
How do I achieve this apparently effortless mess? Let me tell you.
1. Getting it cut all. The. Fucking. Time. Luckily my best friend, the Magnificent Femme manages most of my life, including making my hair appointments and also ensuring I arrive more or less on time. I am so pathetically grateful for this, you have no idea.
2. Get a really fucking good barber. I’ve just moved to Cut Throat London and they are the boss. I have no worries that I’ll walk out with something dreadful like a… pixie cut (shudder).
3. Get used to using a lot of product. Get used to buying shit and it not working and you screaming into your fist in the bathroom. And once you find your products, lock that shit down. Do not mess with a good line up. Speaking of…
Don’t be silly, I don’t use all these at once! Haha. Silly. Just four at a time. Ahem. Yeah, I do have back pain.
Next I’ll take you through the line up and why I’ll never change of any of these products.