#testingbutchface (reviews) · skincare

“when you want to smell like a gun” – magnetic face mask – review 

I’ve found it. The butchiest face mask in the world. Like, if I was famous, this is the product I would advertise, not because it’s super effective but because it is so. on. brand.

Picture the scene. 

I walk out of a car repair shop, wiping my hands on a dirty rag and not smiling because that’s for girls. Cut to the bathroom, where I sneer at the fruity scented masks, possibly clearing them off the shelf into the garbage bin with one almighty swoop. I can do that because I have biceps in this reality and the white tank top I’m wearing proves it.

I proudly replace all the nice pretty bottles with one black box and the tag line rolls.

For when you want your face to smell like a gun.

#toxicmasculinity

This should be the next super bowl commercial.

Magnetic face masks are all over YouTube and IG right now and I have zero willpower so I bought this cheap one from Amazon. Yes, it was 3am. Yes, whiskey was involved. You know me so well.

It’s a weird texture and painting it on is more like frosting a cupcake. But then, oh my gosh. You cover the magnet with a tissue and hold it over your skin. Please see the video below.

This

Feels

Delightful

I’m not a huge fan of bubble masks as I think it feels like tiny spiders racing over my skin. But this is so pleasant! Nicely tickly and just mmm, yes. Like when someone scratches your neck or touches your ears. *dies*

Fun fact, I have super sensitive ears, like my Da. When my parents were arguing my Dad would cover his ears and shout NO NO NO, because if he didn’t, Sneaky Mam would rub them and therefore win the argument. Sneaky, sneaky.

this is so pretty

The mask comes off really easily which is actually sad because I want that sensation to last forever.

And afterwards, your face smells like a gun.

True.

It smells like car parts and blood and pennies and while you might not enjoy that, I found it enchanting. There is an oily residue which you’re supposed to massage in, or in my case, run around yelling SMELL MY FACE I SMELL SO WEIRD.

It doesn’t vaccum your pores or any nonsense like that, but it feels really good. Yah, it’s skintertainment and not for pros. But I get tired of the retinols that smell like chemotherapy and the essences that blur into a watery puddle in my memory. It’s so… adult and sometimes I want to play.

This is so much fun and I loved using it. Butch recommended!

skincare

when something is better than nothing 

The world is a scary place today. Our leaders and “leaders” don’t seem to be afraid but I am. Every time something like the horrific terrorist event at Charlottesville happens we say never again. I post pictures, say a prayer and press like on the hashtags.

But it doesn’t change anything.

There are amazing people who are working to change our world. One of those organisations is the Southern Law Poverty Centre.


 These are good people and wildly underfunded.

Organisations like this are the ones that will save us. I don’t feel hyperbolic about this. We are in danger, and if you are a POC, queer, a woman, disabled, Jewish, Muslim, Sikh, Hindu or anything that isn’t what the alt.right class as acceptable, that goes double for you.

So, what can I do? Money is tight to say the least. I’d love to just donate £1000 to the SPLC but I can’t.

So. This is what I’m doing.

My entire collection, minus those I have already opened or marked for giveaways. 68. Spread out they nearly cover a super king bed.

Please take a minute to visit my page here.

I am asking for £5 per raffle entry. I’ll cover shipping, wherever you are. Over the next few days I’ll take some better photos. Sixty eight. Jesus.

If you don’t want to enter, awesome! If you could donate £1 that would be also awesome. If you don’t want to register via the site let me know and we can work something out via PayPal.

If you can, please share this. I cried packing up my collection, that’s how much I love them. But I am fine to let them go if we raise money and do our little thing to stop the hate growing. It’s a fire and it’s out of control. I can’t bear the idea of losing them and raising no money. So please, share where you can.

Love, K x

askrestingbutchface · skincare

answering questions makes me feel important – the camping edition

The internet is super weird, dudes. (I don’t mean the actual infrastructure, although that’s really weird and also, taking care of it is my like, life choice career so if you have questions about that, hit me up.)

What was I saying. Oh, yeah! So, weirdly, people ask me questions… like I’m the sort of person who has her shit together and isn’t currently lying naked in bed eating sugar snap peas and watching my Best Of Hannah Hart YouTube playlist.

do you die?

Seeing as I am working on special and hard things right now I thought I would answer some of these questions! For a cheerful change!

“Do you know anything about camping skincare? It all goes crazy in here: spots, redness, puffy eyes, cream goes on weird…”

Yes! My advice is, don’t go camping.

this WILL happen to you

I have been camping twice, under extreme duress. It was unpleasant, not just for me but everyone around me because I was so, so, deeply awful. I just think we worked very hard, as people, to evolve to a state where we don’t sleep on the ground outside. So why go back to that? It’s backwards. Also, cannibals will get you.

fuck you rtd, also i love you ianto jones

But if you HAVE TO go camping this is what I would do.

1. SPF the fuck out of your face. Cos camping happens outside and that’s where the sun lives. The more you know.

2. Make sure you use clean water to double cleanse your face. If water is low, well, one of your companions needs to take one for the team and die of thirst. Sorry. 

3. Yeah, double cleaning. Cos the outside is gross and you’re gonna be gross and sweaty. Plus you’re sunscreening, yes? Yeah you are.

4. Oh my god I hate being sweaty. Bring a mist or some canned water to spritz your face and if people laugh at your basic bitchery, make sure they sleep closest to the tent flaps so the cannibals get them first.

5. Insect repellent will fuck your face up. When you’re camping, so many things want to eat your face! I really like this, it makes you nice and soft and really repells insects without smelling like Agent Orange.

avon original skin so soft dry oil. currently better than half price on avon.co.uk at £2.25!

I hope this is helpful and I hope nothing eats you.

#testingbutchface (reviews) · skincare

terrible things i do drunk, part 3847

Dudes, if you thought I learnt my lesson after the Charlotte Tilbury sheet mask horror story, well. You need to lower your expectations immediately.

See, Sober Me read this amazing, well written and thoughtful throw down of the Hanacure All In One Facial. Sober Me winced. Sober Me took Queen T‘s advice onboard and moved on.

But Drunk Me. What a dick.

Drunk Me was watching Whip It, again and thinking that Drew Barrymore would LOVE ME IF SHE KNEW ME. That led to looking at Drew’s Instagram, which led that drunk asshole to this picture.

drew would never lie to me

Yes! The EXACT SAME PICTURE Queen T used, except I didn’t think, shit, there’s that shitty mask I read a review about, I thought… I love you, Drew, and I always will.

The next day I checked my email and I’d bought the Hanacure starter pack for $29 (ONE USE!) plus international shipping. Oh, and I spent £14 on customs charges as they overstated the value on the package.

Firstly, I don’t think anything you do or say at 3.13am should be legally binding. Secondly, this company are horrible to get hold of. I emailed them asking how to cancel (a dick move but! 3.13am!) and never got a response. I emailed when my package was marked as delivered but I didn’t have it. No response. I’d email them about the fact they marked the package too high and I had to pay additional customs but even I know when I’m beat.

Then, as usual, I made it worse.

Note – I don’t have super sensitive skin. You’re supposed to mix up the vial and the little pot, then spread the curdled mixture on your face with the little brush. Leave it for thirty minutes, boom.

thats not much for $29

Except I had to safe word out after twenty minutes. Let’s just get this over with.

yes i do wear sunglasses in bed when its damnass early

My skin is not perfect in the first picture. It certainly wouldn’t be the picture posted by most beauty/skincare bloggers. But it’s okay.

The after pictures are not okay.

I am too vain to post the picture I sent my IG crew privately the next day but it is a train wreck. I look like a sunburnt, shiny cross between Lindsay Logan’s mugshots and a lizard. With zits.

Are you fucking KIDDING ME.

Okay, yes, I only have myself to blame. But this product right here is everything I hate about the skincare industry.

1. Overly expensive – $29 IS THREE HOURS PAY FOR THE AVERAGE FAST FOOD WORKER. Before taxes. I am actually disgusted with myself.

2. Hyped to fuck – yes, Drew, I’m mad. But call me, let’s talk it out.

3. Shit customer service – reply to your email. There you go, that’s advice from someone who has worked in client management all her career. Reply to your damn email instead of posting celebrity pictures to Instagram.

4. It hurts and they warn you it will. That’s like dating someone who looks at you from under their eyelashes and murmurs, “I’m not good with relationships… I break a lot of hearts”. You should not be charmed by their honesty. They are telling you they will hurt you. Listen to them, put your underwear on and go home!

5. Nothing about this product is luxe or fun. NOTHING.

6. Most importantly… it doesn’t work, dudes. My skin is fucked up. And don’t tell me it’s purging, because I know more about purging than a lonely girl at boarding school.

If it’s 3.13am where you are and you’re four cocktails down, googling mindlessly until you stumble over my little filth pit of the internet… hello, friend. Don’t buy this. Not because it’s expensive and you have no money, but because it’s self harm in a box. You deserve better. Trust me.

#testingbutchface (reviews) · skincare

lacura mud mask – glamglow dupe or jar o’ poop?

Hi, I’m a child. Hehe. Poop.

Cards on the table, I am not a Glamglow fan. It strikes me as overpriced and, well, vulgar. Showy, you know? All fur coat, no knickers. Fur coat being Instagram likes, knickers being effective ingredients.

So when these headlines caught my eye, I sighed and decided today was a Getting Dressed Day. For anyone who doesn’t know, Aldi is a discount supermarket chain with an… eclectic range. I like it, it’s like a mad jumble sale every week. An element of surprise and bargains on 5lb cans of pickled cabbage.

apologies for the terrible pictures. some staging issues, shall we say

The glamglow youthmud costs £49-ish in the UK and the Lacura comes in at a very solid £5.99. Scent is nothing offensive or extraordinary, just Generic Spa. Texture is legit, with this cute brush that comes in the box.

Seeing as this mask was only released today (scoop!) I was a tiny bit nervous about being the canary in the coal mine. I swear, the internet has reduced all my decision-making skills to zero. 

Ingredients look… well, see for yourself.

Cosdna Lacura

Cosdna Glamglow
And now I see why Glamglow irritated my skin so much. Ouch. The Lacura has some issues too, like what the fuck is 2-bromo-2-nitropropane-1,3-diol

But I also don’t see £40-worth of difference. However I did spend most science lessons smoking behind the library so please correct me if I’m wrong.

I used this mask tonight and you know what? I really liked it.

i always post the prettiest pictures of myself online

Warning, like Glamglow, this tingles. Very assertively. Oh, and don’t get it in your eye, you amateur! You will want to die. Trust me.

Is it a “facial in a jar”? No. That’s impossible. But my skin is hyper-exfoliated without being a red blotchy mess and a couple of dark patches are definitely lighter. I’ll need to moisturise like a boss to avoid my lizard skin wailing in horror but, overall? I am very impressed.

Now please excuse me, I have a 5lb can of pickled cabbage nearing expiry to get on with.

me me me me me

sasha likes my hair – text only 

(This is a text only post as I don’t want to use a funny picture or a snarky quotation. It’s terribly self-indulgent, but, this is the internet right? I wanted to write it down before I forget)

SELF – REMEMBER THIS

IT IS IMPORTANT

I sometimes make bad choices. And by sometimes, I mean frequently to always. If you give me the choice between something easy and something hard that will probably be a disaster… well, I’ll take B for $300 Alex. I get bored really fast and easy means boring to me. I know, so obnoxious.

Bad choices were made yesterday involving cinnamon whisky. I realised at 5pm, having only just had the courage to shower (the water was, like, so loud…) that I was supposed to be having my hair cut in an hour. 

I whined to my friends, who told me not to be precious and get on with it. This was the correct response. I am a feral child.

New barber and I wasn’t thrilled.

1. No razor cut

2. No evening out of my neckline

3. If I say, “grade two fading to grade four”, I think that indicates I know what I’m talking about, no? I didn’t mutter, “a trim, I guess?”. This is not a two fade to four. 

Oh, and I accidentally wore a see through shirt. Yeah. Believe me, sitting in front of a mirror, staring at your hungover face and exposed flesh is bad. Sitting there while a birthday party rages outside, to the chant of “21 and past it, 21 and past it”… well. It is a certain sort of hell.

I took about three thousand selfies on the way home, to confirm my first impressions. This is a bad hair cut. I have bad hair. I like having good hair. Good hair is my thing, like other people have being reliable or knowing how to make small talk.

“This is terrible”

“I can’t leave the house again, ever”

“I’m an idiot”

“I’m an idiot with bad hair”

“I’m an idiot with bad hair and lizard eyes and OH GOD I CANT COPE”.

(I never said I wasn’t overly dramatic)

I was quietly listing everything that was wrong about me as I fumbled for my keys in the hallway of my block of flats. This took some time as a) it’s a long list and b) WHERE ARE MY BASTARD KEYS (another thing to add to the list, being disorganised).

Being trapped in my own self indulgent loathing, I didn’t see her coming. I never had a chance. A weight hit me behind the knees and I nearly fell flat on my face.

Sasha had arrived.

Sasha is six or seven years old. I don’t know her mother well because uh, it’s London and we only talk to neighbours in times of crisis. She’s friendly and always amused by her daughter, in an quietly exhausted way. I like her.

Sasha doesn’t really speak words as such, due to some challenges she has but she does chatter. She likes to rub her cheek on my knee and look up at me with an expression I can only describe as, “oh, you’re here. At last. I’ve waited so long”.

She’s done this since the first time we met, by the way. And I don’t really scream I AM CHILD FRIENDLY. But Sasha doesn’t care. She just loves.

(Sidenote, I know there is an unhelpful and damaging stereotype about people with Downs Syndrome being “angels” or somehow nicer than everyone else. I understand this is not actually helpful and reduces people to a simple charicature. I do think Sasha would be Sasha with or without Downs Syndrome. She is pure joy)

I chatted to Sasha and admired her new cornrows, kneeling down to find the candy I carry around in case I see her.

There was a noise. Actually to call that sound a noise is like saying WW2 was a little awkward, or the Pacific Ocean is a tiny bit damp. Imagine the happiest car alarm you can, turn it up… bit more… bit louder… and you’re there. Nearly.

Sasha’s mother tried to get to her first but Sasha is super quick (one of the reasons we agree she should be a pirate when she is older). Making this noise of pure, unadulterated glee, Sasha started running her hands over the back of my skull, laughing and jumping up and down.

Have you ever really seen anyone jump with joy? It’s actually hard work. Imagine having so much joy you can’t help but jump up and down. I wish that for you, you know. I wish that for me too. So much, uncontainable joy.

So I knelt there, in the hall, while Sasha scratched and played and rubbed my too-short, uneven, bad hair, jumping with delight at the sensation on her hands.

There are moments in every day – golden moments – and it’s important to hold on to those among the drama and whining and dark depressing reality of adulthood. This was beyond golden.

My haircut is not good. Fact.

My bad haircut brought actual joy to someone who has done nothing but bring me delight for two years. Fact.

I love my new haircut. Fact.

Thanks, Sasha ♥️

me me me me me · queer

drunk TED talk – how jame gumb saved my life

Yeah.

*That* Jame Gumb.

So my RSI is a bastard today, hence my audio experiment. Please note the following.

1. I am not a professional anything 

2. I have a stutter which makes me super anxious. Try not to mention it THANKS BABES.

3. Silence of the Lambs is DEEPLY problematic and transphobic and I wish I didn’t have such an obsession with it.

4. Trigger warnings for suicide. YAH REALLY. 

5. I do not support the wearing of women’s skin.

jame gumb, my childhood role model. PROBLEMATIC.

Clicky clicky here to listen to my dumb voice

Stats referenced in audio:

“Nearly half (48 per cent) of trans people under 26 said they had attempted suicide, and 30 per cent said they had done so in the past year, while 59 per cent said they had at least considered doing so”

Nearly half (45 per cent) of LGBT pupils – including 64 per cent of trans pupils – are bullied for being LGBT in Britain’s schools. This is down from 55 per cent of lesbian, gay and bi pupils who experienced bullying because of their sexual orientation in 2012 and 65 per cent in 2007

More than four in five trans young people have self-harmed, as have three in five lesbian, gay and bi young people who aren’t trans”

Stonewall