Dudes, if you thought I learnt my lesson after the Charlotte Tilbury sheet mask horror story, well. You need to lower your expectations immediately.
But Drunk Me. What a dick.
Drunk Me was watching Whip It, again and thinking that Drew Barrymore would LOVE ME IF SHE KNEW ME. That led to looking at Drew’s Instagram, which led that drunk asshole to this picture.
Yes! The EXACT SAME PICTURE Queen T used, except I didn’t think, shit, there’s that shitty mask I read a review about, I thought… I love you, Drew, and I always will.
The next day I checked my email and I’d bought the Hanacure starter pack for $29 (ONE USE!) plus international shipping. Oh, and I spent £14 on customs charges as they overstated the value on the package.
Firstly, I don’t think anything you do or say at 3.13am should be legally binding. Secondly, this company are horrible to get hold of. I emailed them asking how to cancel (a dick move but! 3.13am!) and never got a response. I emailed when my package was marked as delivered but I didn’t have it. No response. I’d email them about the fact they marked the package too high and I had to pay additional customs but even I know when I’m beat.
Then, as usual, I made it worse.
Note – I don’t have super sensitive skin. You’re supposed to mix up the vial and the little pot, then spread the curdled mixture on your face with the little brush. Leave it for thirty minutes, boom.
Except I had to safe word out after twenty minutes. Let’s just get this over with.
My skin is not perfect in the first picture. It certainly wouldn’t be the picture posted by most beauty/skincare bloggers. But it’s okay.
The after pictures are not okay.
I am too vain to post the picture I sent my IG crew privately the next day but it is a train wreck. I look like a sunburnt, shiny cross between Lindsay Logan’s mugshots and a lizard. With zits.
Are you fucking KIDDING ME.
Okay, yes, I only have myself to blame. But this product right here is everything I hate about the skincare industry.
1. Overly expensive – $29 IS THREE HOURS PAY FOR THE AVERAGE FAST FOOD WORKER. Before taxes. I am actually disgusted with myself.
2. Hyped to fuck – yes, Drew, I’m mad. But call me, let’s talk it out.
3. Shit customer service – reply to your email. There you go, that’s advice from someone who has worked in client management all her career. Reply to your damn email instead of posting celebrity pictures to Instagram.
4. It hurts and they warn you it will. That’s like dating someone who looks at you from under their eyelashes and murmurs, “I’m not good with relationships… I break a lot of hearts”. You should not be charmed by their honesty. They are telling you they will hurt you. Listen to them, put your underwear on and go home!
5. Nothing about this product is luxe or fun. NOTHING.
6. Most importantly… it doesn’t work, dudes. My skin is fucked up. And don’t tell me it’s purging, because I know more about purging than a lonely girl at boarding school.
If it’s 3.13am where you are and you’re four cocktails down, googling mindlessly until you stumble over my little filth pit of the internet… hello, friend. Don’t buy this. Not because it’s expensive and you have no money, but because it’s self harm in a box. You deserve better. Trust me.