satire · skincare

the joy of doing it wrong 

Breaking news. It’s moose counting season again. And also, your roving reporter at the award winning Daily Whogivesafuck brings you worrying news.

*shuffles papers sternly*

I have checked and rechecked the measurements and… god, this is hard, but… data doesn’t lie. We are fast approaching maximum bullshit levels. Don’t believe me? Check out the evidence.

see??

Please, don’t panic. Perhaps it’s not too late. If Jake Gyllenhaal can survive an Ice Age by burning a couple of paperbacks, we too can avert our very own Shitocalypse.

I was disappointed to read an Instagram post by one of the people I most look forward to hearing from. I did DM and ask if I could reference them here but I didn’t hear back so, welcome to VagueTown. This person is smart and funny and does excellent no bullshit reviews. Plus they are super cute.

This person, let’s call them… Cute Face. Cute Face posted asking, much more politely than I would, for people to stop messaging them to tell them they aren’t Doing Skincare Right. Apparently Cute Face doesn’t understand anything. How lucky for Cute Face that people will take time out of their day, to tell a STRANGER that they are the experts in Cute Face’s skin.

the fuck you say?

I have a terrible habit of remembering quotations but not the person who said it and one day someone is going to be like, “… like Hitler said?” and I am going to die. But I am 99.99% sure Hitler didn’t say this.

UNASKED FOR ADVICE IS CRITICISM IN DISGUISE

right??

I keep seeing this. The ten rules of skincare. One essential rule you HAVE to follow. The eleventy million step routine that if you don’t follow, well, I can’t help you.

much love, damien, much love

Dudes. I am human garbage. I just ate a jar of capers for dinner. My phone rang yesterday and I was so startled I shoved it in a drawer until it stopped. I genuinely do not know how humans interact. I wish everyone as a dog. Or subtitled.

So why the fuckity fuck am I, human garbage, having to get drunk and remind people HOW TO BE NICE.

Look, I made a diagram.

god i miss flowchart software

The great thing about this diagram is that it also applies to:

🖕dietary choices

🖕hair and make up

🖕job seeking (PLEASE STOP TELLING ME TO TAKE A TYPING COURSE)

🖕health choices

🖕sexual partners, or lack of, or whatever

🖕anything someone chooses to do with their genitals (unless they are a stranger sat next to you on the bus, unzipped and ready for action)

This post is called the joy of getting it wrong for a reason. Because the fuck ups are important. Hey, I burnt my face off with acids! Do I regret it? Little bit, yeah. Is it a funny story? Fuck, yes. But also – and this is the mind fuck – THERE IS NO WRONG OR RIGHT.

There are no rules. There are no guarantees. And isn’t that the fun bit? Let people do it “wrong”. You don’t have the answers. Let people get their own answers.

*sigh*

Just, dudes. Be nice. Be kind. And keep your mouth flaps shut unless asked to flap them.


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