satire · skincare

sheet mask organisation for pros

It is so important to keep your stash organised. However, don’t make the mistake of thinking that you can file them by name or height or anything ridiculous. Pros know to organise their sheet masks by type. Please see below for a primer. You’re welcome.

ma bebes

The Free Shippers

You had to buy something to sneak over the minimim spend because it is 2017 and the idea of *paying* for shipping is offensive. Amazon Prime is to blame for this culture of entitlement.

Problem is, these sheet masks linger and breed. Every time you see them you mutter, “I have to use this…” and then pass right over.

One day, you snap and slap one on your face. It’s… okay. You calculate how much money you’ve spent on “okay” masks and realise that this is why you eat instant ramen for dinner three nights a week. Luckily, the guilt lingers about as long as the mask does and fifteen minutes you’ve forgotten all about it.

59 cents, has to be amazing

The Specials

Your discontinued holy grails. You know using this mask would be amazing but you can’t find any more. So you save it for a special occasion. Except you work in an office and your Oscars invite never quite arrives. You hoard your precious specials away, waiting, waiting for that once in a life time occasion.

Newsflash. That occasion will be your funeral because there is no day special enough in your eyes. In a year you’ll realise with horror that the masks expired. It doesn’t matter. You were never going to use them. 

not discontinued but i will never be rich enough to pay £85 for five

The Old Reliables

Like your ex, these masks are cheap, deliver what you need and you can always get another.

But, just like your ex, they can get old, fast. They’re just not very exciting. You can’t post on IG about them because everyone and their boyfie has posted a selfie. You feel guilty for thinking about selfies when you’re choosing a mask and promise that you’ll use it next time. They’re good! They work! But, where is the element of surprise? You just need something… exciting.

This line of thinking is why you have forty nine My Beauty Diary masks in your stash. Also, it’s why you broke up with your ex and shagged that bartender with the tongue piercing. And we all know how well that turned out. It’s lonely at night sometimes.

they’re fine! no, they’re good! they just don’t make me feel… alive anymore, you know?

The Pretties

You bought this for the packaging, you shallow trollop. It’s at the front of every stash picture you post on IG. Sometimes you hold it and think about the sort of person you’d be if you used it. Then you put it back and eat Pringles for breakfast. You’ll use it. One day. When you’re better.

so beautiful, so precious

The Grave Mistakes 

Some people call it optimism. Others call it rampant stupidity. You know that bubble masks make your skin crawl. Or maybe, you know you’re allergic to mineral oil. YOU KNOW THIS. 

BUT.

But.

But maybe not this time?

Good god, even dogs learn eventually. 

These masks were usually bought because everyone else on IG bought them. They’re so cool. God, why can’t you be cool like that? How do they make it so easy? Maybe this mask will help. Best buy a pack of five to cement your cool kid status.

Spoiler alert! This mask will not make you cool, it will make you itchy and sad. You can feel itchy and sad for free. Don’t do it.

Grave Mistakes also include – anything bought drunk, anything bought in person because it was there and anything from your local drugstore labelled “inspired by kbeauty”. 

fucking evil

The Fan Favourites 

Remember what your ma used to say? If the big kids jumped off a bridge, would you follow them? No, Ma, god, leave me alone, I never asked to be born! *door slams*

Your ma was right about a lot of things. You wouldn’t jump off a bridge cos the big kids did it, don’t be silly. However, if the big kids jumped off a bridge wearing a sheet mask and hashtagged it #holygrail, you would be looking up directions to the nearest bridge on gmaps in three seconds.

Why?

If you like it, so what, so does everyone else. If you hate it, be prepared to get downvoted to hell because you Do Not Criticise The Fan Favourite. God, do you even go here?

Fan Favourites often crossover with the Grave Mistakes and both lead to a feeling of disappointment and mild self loathing. However Fan Favourites are worse because you’re just so disappointed. Is everything a lie?

i dont get it… coming soon to a swap post near you!

The What The Fucks

We are an odd bunch in the AB world. Potato sheet masks? Fuck yeah. Snail? Old news. Placenta? Sooo last year. We will literally put anything on our faces. Ingredient sluts seek out the new snail/placenta/horse oil deliberately. And loudly. We’ve all seen the posts.

“OMG dog spit is the new must have sheet mask essence!”

“WOW SO GLAD I GAVE THIS RANCID MAYONNAISE MASK A TRY”

“I’m only using organic wasp jizz sheet masks from now on #holygrail”

“sheet masks are over, I only use actual skin now #hannibalhydration”

Bonus points if the sheet mask is entirely in another language and Google Translate doesn’t recognise any of the words. Extra bonus points if you can only buy them from one seller, who doesn’t speak any major world language and doesn’t have an actual store, just an email address.

Dudes. Just buy some drugs. Guaranteed excitement. Plus you won’t care what your face is like because it’ll occur to you that your face… is what stops… your head stuff falling out… oh my god… we are all just weird skin bags stuffed with goo.

(I am out of What The Fucks! Recs please)

The Ghosts

You don’t remember buying it. You don’t remember adding it at the back of your stash. The name is… kind of familiar but you can’t quite place it. It’s a mystery.

You see the empty packet in the trashcan. You don’t remember using it. Your touch your cheek. It’s damp. You can smell something in the air, but as soon as you try to identify it, it’s gone.

Where did you come from? you whisper into the trashcan. Do you have a message for me?

The empty packet lies, silent and crumpled. Aloof, secretive, the packet cannot tell you – because it’s a plastic envelope you weirdo. Stop talking to bins.

did it ever really exist? you’ll never be sure

One thought on “sheet mask organisation for pros

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